Fragmented Mind


1329180204987I’ve made quite a few posts which I felt were pret-ty pret-ty good.  But when I went back and reread them, I could see that my thoughts were fragmented in some way.  They were broken into pieces and not all the pieces were communicated.  Ideas which were fairly simple were made very complex because of the way my brain was functioning at the time.  Perhaps you have read something like that from me, but most likely it was deleted before you had the chance.

I can see that there is some level of inspiration and intelligence going on in these kinds of posts either on this blog or on facebook, but when my mind settles down again I can see that something was off.  There was an uncomfortable intensity and some level of incoherence.

What this likely means, is that my writing was the product of bipolar affective disorder (manic-depression).  In mania, my mind sparks with creativity but lacks the coherence to effectively present it.  When my mood gets elevated high enough, you might call this kind of writing ravings.

I have raved quite a few times over the last half-decade or so.  I’ll think that what I’m doing is brilliant,  but it is really gibberish.  Perhaps one day I’ll start a new blog mywifesaysitscrazy to publish this archive fragmented writing.  The train of my thoughts skip ahead or even jump off the track; creating a fragmented piece of my thoughts.  I’ll have a thought which results in a conclusion which result in another thought which results in another conclusion, but you might only get the first thought and the last conclusion.  This may also be the product of Attention Deficit Disorder. I don’t know.

It also means that there is a certain level of delusion.  I’ve gone back and reread things that I’ve written when manic and once in a while I can see where I thought I had struck gold, but what I found was  fool’s gold.

I’ve taken down dozens, perhaps hundreds, of these kinds of posts over the years because I felt embarrassed when I reread them.  I checked, and I’ve written twenty-two posts on this blog alone (I have a dozen blogs) that I either pulled down or didn’t ever publish.  I’m no great artist or writer, but many of the best artists and writers have had bipolar affective disorder and we get a sense of the exhilaration and suffering which goes into their work.  It’s ok to enjoy it and find meaning in it.  Many of these people refuse treatment because they don’t want to lose their abilities.  It’s a sacrifice they are making for their art

What you don’t know is that when I behave this way, people who know me best send me messages asking if I’m ok; telling me that they’re concerned.  People who know me best can tell.  I need this sometimes, because it’s hard for me to tell. Even now, when I look at some of my posts I can’t tell if they’re mad or not, nor can I tell if this post is.  I depend on my wife for this.  She is looking for  mean-spirited or arrogant/superior or incoherent or inappropriate or overly intense.  I’ve been a little tight-lipped about it because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.    But I’m going to trust that you guys love me and don’t care that I get a little fragmented sometimes.  If you’ve never noticed this in me, then you might want to consider that you’re a little fragmented, too.

2 thoughts on “Fragmented Mind

  1. Thank you. You are brave and honest, and I hope, accepting of yourself. These are the only posts I’ve read of yours, and I found them to be inspired and thought provoking. You have a beautiful soul. I am thankful for the glimpse you shared.


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