Poisoned

poisonI’m grateful for medicine.

Without meds to help me regulate my moods (bipolar), I’m quite certain my life would be a series of disasters. But as all people dependent on medicine know, there is often a trade-off. There are side effects and there are dangers. There is no one more compliant with psychiatric medicine than I am, and that comes with a cost.

In the fall of 2017, I needed a med change–a regular occurrence in the treatment of Bipolar Affective Disorder. My doctor increased one drug and added a new one–something brand new on the market. It’s a drug you’ve seen in commercials a dozen times and I was hopeful that it would level me out–and it did. But as a person who was already struggling with anxiety, it began to get out of control soon after starting it. I never connected the two. The doctor then put me on an anxiety medicine to help with that.

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The ADA and Disclosure

Protection Against Discrimination

The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is a federal law that prohibits discrimination against job applicants and employees with disabilities. This law applies to private employers with more than 15 employees and state and local government employers. To qualify for protections under the ADA, the law states that you must be able to show:

  • That you have a disability that substantially impairs one or more major life activities. This means that you must be able to show that you have a condition that, if left untreated, interferes with daily or work activities such as concentrating, communicating or regulating emotions.
  • That you are able to perform the essential functions of your job with or without reasonable accommodations. In other words, you must be able to show that you can complete the important tasks or core duties of any job that you apply for.

https://www.nami.org

– See more at: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Living-with-a-Mental-Health-Condition/Succeeding-at-Work#sthash.HY56M0Bj.dpuf

As of 2008,  Bipolar Disorder is considered to be a disability and therefore covered by ADA.  It feels a little weird to be considered disabled, but when I think of other folks with Bipolar I know of it rings true.  And it could very well be me one day.

I started a new job this summer in the midst of struggles with mania which got worse as the months between then and December passed.  Not a bad episode really, but bad enough to be uncomfortable.  That’s what mania is for me now:  uncomfortable.  I no longer enjoy it.  I associate it with bad times in my life and fear of a return of them.  The main problem is that I get irritable and argumentative with my coworkers.  Secondarily, I push the boundaries of socially acceptable.

In previous jobs, I had a tremendous amount of flexibility.  I could break when I wanted to and as often as I needed to.  I could also surf the net as much as I wanted to as long as I did my job.  But that is not the case at my new job.  We’re allowed a 15 minute break at 9:30, a 45 minute lunch at 11:30, and another 15 minute break at 2:30.  And sometimes I have meetings or have to work through those break times so I don’t get a break time at all.  I really have to take breaks, and sometimes more frequently than that, so I decided to invoke the Americans with Disabilities Act.

I posted about this on a mental health forum and person after person shared stories of getting fired after disclosing.  I said that I just don’t see that happening to me.  I do a good job.  They like me here.  Yes, I can be a little disruptive once in awhile, but people are pretty forgiving of it.

How to Request Accommodations

If you do need an accommodation, the first step is to ask. It’s up to you to request an accommodation. Once you have submitted a request, an employer is required to sit down and talk with you about possible accommodations. Before you get started:

  • Ask your employer’s human resources (HR) personnel how to request accommodation. A request process may already be in place.
  • Decide what types of accommodations you need. Be specific. Be ready to explain how the accommodation will help you to perform your job.
  • Put your request in writing.
  • Talk with your treatment provider and ask if they can provide documentation. Your doctor can write a note, usually in the form of a letter, stating that you have mental illness and need accommodation. It may be helpful to share guidance on workplace accommodations with your provider.
  • Take detailed notes and keep a written record of any conversations you have with the employer. Keep copies of any emails you send and any forms you complete.
  • Negotiate. Be flexible and ready to discuss your options

– See more at: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Living-with-a-Mental-Health-Condition/Succeeding-at-Work#sthash.HY56M0Bj.dpuf

I went into the HR director’s office and gave full disclosure of my illness and asked for three accommodations:

  1. Breaks whenever I need them
  2. Use of a mental health support forum
  3. Unscheduled medical leave

She really hopped to.  I could tell that she had never encountered this situation before.  She likely had never even sat face-to-face with someone she knew was mentally ill.  She avoided eye contact, became flustered, and most importantly, became very accommodating toward me.  It was clear to me that she understood the legal ramifications of this and wanted to get it right and wanted me to know that she was cool with it even though she was having a hard to showing it.

I’m not at all self-conscious about my illness.  I’ll tell anyone I have it, but I think people worry that I might be, so they handle me very carefully as if they didn’t want me to feel embarrassed.  It’s very considerate, and very unnecessary.

I just don’t understand how all of these people could have been fired because they have bipolar.  Because they need time off to be in the hospital or to go to the doctor.  Or because they have a meltdown at work.  These are all things covered under the ADA, and I don’t care if I live in a right to work state where I can be fired without cause, I just don’t believe that they can fire me because of a disability.   People get fired because they’re bad at their job.  ADA doesn’t cover that.  I’m not saying that there aren’t tons of abuses and legitimate stigmas, but if you do a bad job, they will find a way to get around it.

But this gets down to the crux of it.  Disclose and take the risk of getting fired or not disclose and not get the accommodations needed to succeed.  Those who are mentally ill have been mistreated by employees for years with no protection.  The ADA does not require disclosure for protection, but it does for accommodation.  There is so much fear and ignorance and stigma that’s hard to know what to do.  But I decided to put my faith in the system and in my employer.

Time will tell. I took an unscheduled break once and I check my forum a few times a day, but nothing big.  It’s nice to know that someone has my back and that my boss understands my needs now.

Do I Still Have It?

220px-carrie_fisher_2013I’ve been thinking a lot about my illness (bipolar affective disorder) since Carrie Fisher died.  She was such a wonderful advocate. She managed to live a meaningful, successful life by fighting the fight.  I take inspiration from that, but something functioning bipolars have to deal with is wondering are we still really bipolar?  This is a curse for many because it means that they cease taking their medications thinking this way.

I share because every time someone with a mental illness shares their story, it becomes more normalized; the stigmas become weaker.

I’ve never quit my meds not even for a day, and although I still struggle, I have this really misguided desire to prove to myself or others that I am actually bipolar.  How messed up is that?  Imagine that I had any number of treatable illnesses and I was able to live healthily because of treatment…say, type 1 diabetes.  Would I ever question if I still had it?  I don’t really know the answer to that, but it seems so very absurd that someone who has to take insulin every day would doubt their illness.  And certainly NO ONE would doubt that they had it.

I make no secret about my illness, but I believe that I might be able to if I wanted, just as an insulin-dependent diabetic might.  Sure, I have occasional mood issues, but doesn’t everybody?  And that is the goal of treatment; to fall within the realm of normal mood fluctuation.  Because I function, I have this feeling that some people are skeptical of my diagnosis.  Maybe they’re someone who has never seen me manic.  I tend to hide out when I am.

And this is a factor.  I worry that they are right.  And you know what?  I resent these quasi-imaginary people.  They have no true understanding of what my journey has been or how it has affected my wife and children.  I’m so grateful for the people who accept me and support me.  Maybe these quasi-imaginary people have seen movies with a fictional depiction of a person with bipolar and think they know what it looks like and I don’t match.  Maybe they even know someone and I don’t match.  But there is no one way to be bipolar.  It’s a complex disorder.  I respond to that excess production of serotonin or lack there of in my own way and it is not always apparent to the onlooker.

Then there are the people who believe that bipolar is an emotional/psychological disorder instead of primarily a neurological disorder.  Very “Church of Scientology”.  If it were simply an emotional issue, then psychotherapy or spirituality would make me well.  I wouldn’t need medicine.  Oh, therapy helps for sure.  It helps me learn how to cope with the disorder.  The problem is that if it is in my head and not in my brain, then I should be able to think my way out of it.  If I can do that, then aren’t I just making myself a victim by not unlocking my emotional issues?  Not meditating enough?  Not eating healthily enough?   All of these things help, but this is not so.

Carrie Fisher said a few things that I would like to highlight.

Without medication I would not be able to function in this world.  Medication has made me a good mother, a good friend, and a good daughter

If you’re manic depressive and you’re functioning in this world and doing at all well, I think, Wow! You should be proud of being able to say, “This is what I’m getting through right now.”

I do need medicine and perhaps I don’t give myself enough credit.  I am functioning.  I’ve made it this far without losing a job, losing my family, or losing my freedom. Isn’t that something I should be proud of?  And yet my response is this silly nonsense that maybe I’m functioning because this is all a sham.  I’ve not been sick, I’m just been an asshole.

But today, to honor Carrie Fisher, I say No!  I do have Bipolar Affective Disorder (3 out of 4 doctors agree. The 4th thought I was just a cokehead) and I’m doing a damn good job at being a successful person in spite of it.

If you know someone fighting to function, give them credit!  If you know someone who has stopped fighting, give them support!

God bless people like Carrie Fisher who live bravely and authentically with their mental illness.

Back To Level

detalleniveldeburbujaFor 3 months, I’ve been struggling with bipolar mania which means I write on another blog.  My doctor is trying out another medicine with me, and yesterday it appeared to kick in.  I’m level, which means my mood is within a normal range.  It feels really good.

At first, the mania feels good.  I’m energetic, but eventually I feel overloaded.  I’m glad for a break, and I hope it’s a long one.

I wrote over 50 posts on my anonymous bipolar blog in that three months, plus 20k words of a memoir.  That’s about 60k words total.  I tend to write a lot when I’m manic.  If the level trend continues, I will be returning to this blog and drifting away from the other.

That means more stories, more searching for meaning in life, more observations, and more rants.

There have been many people in my life, maybe even you, who have supported me through this and have shown me patience.  I am so grateful for these people.  This has been so different than my last major mood event in 2010-2011 when I was not yet diagnosed and no one knew what was wrong with me.  Having a support network and medication has made this tolerable and not destructive.  It wasn’t nearly as bad an episode, but it could’ve been with all of the support.

Thanks guys, and look for Wally World or Bust posts starting next week when we depart for Orlando, Florida!